My life is bad.
But that’s okay! Because I have received confirmation that I will, indeed, be able to afford to continue seeing the psychologist I saw a couple of weeks ago, and that means that all of my problems will be magically solved soon! That makes me happy. I’m looking forward to that. I’m looking forward to know what life will be like without all of the bad, deeply-ingrained, self-sabotaging habits that constitute my entire identity. That will be nice.
And then I’ll get my Hogwarts letter! Couple of decades and change late, but hey, that’s bureaucracy for you.
So I have agreed to cook dinner tomorrow, and part of that is because I felt like I had to say yes, which is unhealthy, but part of it is also because I’ve spent the last 3 days watching YouTube and wishing that I had a life. Shit needs to change.
Also, as is usually the case, I was actually thinking of offering to do it myself before I was asked to do it, and only after I was asked to do it did I start to feel all anxious and yucky about it and scrambling to find a coping mechanism to cover it. Good thing WINZ got back to me today to confirm that they will, in fact, be helping to cover the cost of my going back to see the psychologist. I clearly need it.
And, also, as I’ve learnt and forgotten and learnt again a few times over the years: doing everything all at once actually works for me, when I actually do it. So tomorrow, while my “free time” is “compromised” for about 3 hours, I will also be planning this fucking High Fantasy novel that I said I would plan …
Because I actually want to plan it, and write it, which you might not think is the case given that I’ve spent my precious “free time” over the past 3 days (also my entire post-pubescent life, but anyway) watching YouTube, playing the stand-alone Gwent game (actually really fun), and wishing that I had a life. This is one of those situations where, addled as it is, my brain is going to have to be the grown-up here and force me to do some stuff that is healthy for me.
As for all that shit about not wanting to have writing be the only thing that I ever do with my life – you know what, right now that’s just an excuse to feel bad about my plan for tomorrow, and I don’t need that shit. It’s important, but it’s also important that I not spend any more time in the way that I’ve been spending it lately, which is not only self-distraction, but also sitting on my intentions when the prospect of acting on them seems like a foregone conclusion, an inevitable failure. Gotta just do that shit.
One the one hand, I do feel like I need to get out of the habit of constantly managing myself. On the other hand, it’s good to be able to manage myself, sometimes, like when my really bad, default habits are out of control, which they have been for … well, let’s not kick that dead horse. Tomorrow (or later today, if you want to get technical) is a new day, and a new opportunity to break this habit, or at least punch a hole in it.