Weekly Words 26/08-01/09/2018

26/08/18: 1712

That’s a bit goddamn better!

I do actually have a bit of a plan for this week, the remainder of this month, to get the things done that have not been getting done and need to have been done long, long ago, for my own personal well-being. I have said before, numerous times, that I suck at self-care, and this week I had the astoundingly obvious revelation that I think about self-care in a very narrow sense, and it’s been fucking me up. I tend to think of it as “chilling out”, relaxing, doing nothing – but that’s not at all what self-care means. Self-care means making sure that we meet our own personal needs, whatever those are – and in my case, it actually means doing stuff. Lots of stuff, actually, specifically stuff that I know I’m likely to just sit on and let never get done, because anxiety.

And just to be clear: the thing that needs to get done is that I need to get my paperwork filled out so that I can finally get some fucking therapy for said anxiety, which has been ruining my life for the past 16 years, at least. It was probably ruining my life before I turned 15 and discovered that socialising is hard, and I just didn’t notice because I was a kid and my life was peachy. In any event, this shit cannot go on any longer. I need to do something about it.

So I will. This week.

And also this week I will continue writing, and as I did today, I will get it done by just making myself get started. Ready, Player One gave me the start of some ideas on how to approach one of my projects – my big author-insert self-fanfic high fantasy epic, to be specific – and that seems like the direction that I want to go in the most right now, so that’s going to be my focus, along with finishing up this co-writing episode that is supposed to be done by the 1st of next month. So at the end of this Weekly Words. Convenient.

And most important of all: I know now that I need to be doing things as part of my self-care as well as just for the sake of getting shit done that needs to be done. This also means that, when one thing can’t get done or doesn’t get done, I don’t stop doing all the other things as a result. These are my goals for this week.

So sayeth the Ubermensch!

29/08/18: 3085

Betterer and betterer.

It’s a razor’s edge, the difference between a productive week and a non-productive week for me. That’s what I’m taking away from my progress this week. The last two days I got nothing done: not writing, not my Plan, nothing except some gaming and half-hearted self-pity. Then today, I finished a very long scene that really needs to be broken up into 2-3 scenes when we get around to revising this co-writing monstrosity, took some tangible steps towards completing my Plan, and even got started on a bit of potential PhD research. What was the difference?

Decisions. Not mood, not mindset, not attitude. I just made different decisions today.

It doesn’t feel reliable to me, and that’s the part that bothers me. I don’t feel reliable to myself. But, regardless, I made good decisions today, and tomorrow I can continue to do so. Pep pep pep. Positivity and shit.

Anyway whatever it was a pleasing day and it is over now! Time for sleep.

30/08/18: 1368

THE PLAN.

IT IS HAPPENING.

HOLY FUCKBALLS WHAT IS LIFE.

Why yes, I am rather pleased with myself this week so far, if you must know.

I have watched all 2 seasons of Lucifer available on Netflix in NZ; I know there is 1 more and then a 4th being produced by Netflix, and I assume at some point or another I will get to see them both, though I have to be honest I don’t know if I can be bothered, regardless of how much of a trashy, problematic fave of mine it has become. Much like Wynona Earp, it’s basically an Urban Fantasy novel as a TV show, and that’s exactly what I want out of my television right now.

Partly because I have sworn off it in my books, at least for the time being. I am currently reading The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue, and I have ambitions of writing a book review of it … somehow. I don’t have the energy to make notes as I’m reading – mostly because I don’t want it to disrupt my flow of reading, or to feel like the only reason I’m reading is so that I will have a book review to show for it – especially not on my computer. But at the same time, I do have things to say about this book, even though I’m not even 50 pages in yet. They’re good things. It’s a good book so far. According to Goodreads, I am correct in this assertion. I guess I could just write a from-memory review and not take notes at all … or write them with pen and paper …

Or I could just read the damn book and enjoy it.

31/08/18: 444

I could end the writing week here, but I think I’ll push on. Not least because tomorrow is when I am supposed to have finished all of my scenes for the co-writing project. Although that’s more a personal goal than anything; and I’m almost done, so it feels like something to strive for.

01/09/18: 969

And it is done.

Weekly Total: 7578

Not bad! Especially given my recent efforts, writing-wise. I feel much more enthusiastic about writing at the moment, actually. Amazing what a bit of positive reinforcement based on personal experience can do for the old morale.

Also, getting onto my mental health “plan” this week, after well over a year and a half of agonising – I’m still not quite all the way there yet, but I’ve got momentum, and it feels good. All around, I just feel pretty good about where I’m at right now.

Not a bad way to close out the month.

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