Anybody else remember Staind?
Anyway I got a job as a tutor at university teaching a paper on COMICS HOW DO JOBS LIKE THIS EXIST THIS IS THE BEST JOB EVER
… which I am going to go do in about 20 minutes.
Before that, though – what’s up? I have not really had anything writing-wise to update about, and honestly it feels good, in retrospect, to know that I didn’t try to force myself to update. When I do that I tend to just veer into the loop of I-didn’t-do-anything-yet-again-but-I-totally-will-in-the-near-future that I abhor so much. And in the end, this is supposed to be a writing blog. Sometimes I write about having nothing to write about, or having not done any work – and sometimes, I have decided, I just won’t blog at all. Because that’s how life is.
What I’ve figured out this year, more than any other, is that writing not only cannot be my be-all-and-end-all justification for living. It also can’t be my go-to activity. Not anymore. To be fair, it hasn’t been for a while now. Which is bad in the sense that WOW has become my go-to activity, but good in the sense that I have gotten some much-needed distance from my writerly tunnel-vision. And as a result, I am much more in-tune with my feelings about writing – specifically, feeling out whether or not I actually want to devote time and energy into writing something into being. It’s not always the case. As you might well have gathered from the fact that I haven’t updated this blog for over a month, it’s definitely not the case right now. But I’m having ideas, and I’m feeling them out to see if they’re ideas that I want to start a story with, which is a big commitment. I’m on the right track, I feel.
The only bit I haven’t quite gotten the hang of yet, which I want to, is the bit where I just “give it a go and see what happens”. I’m doing more of that, but still not as much as I want. I want to be one of those people who just gives it a go and sees what happens. I’m not sure that’s the best reason to do something, but then again, I’m not sure it’s the worst reason either. More to the point, I’m not sure you need a reason, and I think that might be my shortcoming here, trying to give myself a reason to do something that I can just … do. Trying to manage myself, treating myself like a boss and an employee, and weakening myself through the separation. It’s how I’ve lived what feels like the majority of my life. That shit needs to stop.
On the plus side, I have actually been working on my thesis. I’m almost done with this final body chapter; then it’s on to the introduction, conclusion and bibliography before revision begins. Good old revision. In my writing experience, revision is actually the fun part, because you almost get to make something new. It’s when you look at the labour you’ve put in and get to magically transform it into something closer resembling the Work you were trying to accomplish. Pretentious capitalisaiton for the win; I’m a writer.
I’m also a teacher now, though, and while it’s not actually taking up a whole heap of time – that will change once assignments start coming in – it is adding to the collage of identities that I exist in the arrangement of. I like it. I think it suits me. I think that I could suit it a little better, but I’m sure that’s how everyone feels about anything they do. I’m enjoying it a lot. I think it’s good for me.
Writing, I think, will be good for me once I find something that I actually want to write, and then write it. Before that, though, I think writing will still be good for me while I don’t do it, simply because at the moment I have absolutely nothing that I desperately want to write. And I think that’s a practice in and of itself, one that you have to get good at if you want to write healthily.
Or maybe I’m full of shit. But either way, it’s what I’m doing, and it seems to be working. Guess I’ll keep doing it.