I Need This

It is July. Camp Nanowrimo July has started.

I need to write.

I’ve worked it out, I think: I need to write not because I particularly want to, but because I’ve totally forgotten what it feels like to want to write at all. I just want to get good at it. In a way I almost feel like I’ve gone back to the drawing board with writing, where I almost don’t even know what it is anymore, the experience of writing, having a history of doing it – it feels like I’ve reset. And that opens up the opportunity to go through all the fun stuff about writing all over again, to rediscover why it is that I like it – or liked it. And I really think I need that.

Well, I want it anyway. I think that’s actually probably better.

So now my task is to write something that engages my interest. I don’t necessarily have that right now, but I do know that I never got anywhere back in the day, when I just started out, by forcing myself to find something interesting in order to give myself a project that I was permitted to write because it would be productive of me to do so. That’s how my writing process has become, and I need to unlearn that shit ASAP. I think this Camp Nano could be a fantastic opportunity to get that done.

I did say a while ago that Realm of the Myth was dead – well, it might be dead, but like I just mentioned I have reset. The continuity of my writing career has been retconned. And I think I can write a dead story. What always put me off, really disheartened me about RoTM was whenever I would actually have the clarity – or sobriety – to think about it in definite terms, to put limits on it, to restrict it to being only one particular thing instead of all possible things. It felt disappointing. And it also felt scarily real, like “holy shit, that could get done“, and the reason it was scary was because if I followed through with that, what I’d end up with was something that wasn’t enough. Something that wasn’t everything.

I think that most of all, I need to unlearn my habit of striving to make anything everything. And in reality, it was only ever RoTM that I did that with. So maybe if this is a reboot of my writing career, it’s best that RoTM doesn’t exist in this new canon.

I will consider. I’m not jumping into this because I have no idea what I want to do, and I stress the word “want”. I have used that word as a synonym for “could” or “should” for far too long, and I know that I want to do Camp Nano with a project that I want to write. So until I find that, I ain’t writing shit.

Other than my thesis, which I don’t want to write, and for some reason I’m very tired today. I was tired yesterday as well, but that’s because I actually did stuff. Today it’s more just … being tired. Not good timing.

In any case … I am indeed going to do Camp Nano. Just as soon as I figure out what it is that I want to write. And for the first time in what feels like a very long time, I’m just going to wait for that to happen, however long it takes.

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