Since the last post, with its huge declarations of shit I’m going to do totally for serious you guys don’t even worry about it, I have been spending my time exercising, gaming, cooking, writing my thesis, and pre-writing my Camp Nano July project. Pre-writing is totally not the same thing as not writing; it’s pre-writing. It uses different words and grammar and everything.
Okay, you know what, whatever. The truth is that I don’t have the energy to write anything creative right now, not anything narrative anyway.
The truth is also that I don’t mind this at all. I’m starting to get back into my thesis; I’m also currently preparing myself to write up an application for an extension that I most definitely need – and I’ve got the medical certificate to prove it – and all of that just amounts to not a hell of a lot of time, energy or desire to get started on one of my Nano-worthy projects.
That may be part of the problem, though. I have about 3 designated “Nano-worthy” projects, and the thing that they all have in common is an attitude of “let’s just get this out of the way”. I think if it wasn’t for the context of Nano, the time pressure and everything, I might actually look at them as stories I legitimately want to tell – or be things that I’m totally disinterested in. My point is that there just isn’t anything that screams “write me” right now. I want new stories, but they’re not coming to me; I want ideas to revitalise my passion for writing, but I can’t find them. I don’t know how to do it anymore. Though I think I’m probably going about it the wrong way, because the idea itself isn’t so much the point for something I’m passionate about – the passion is the point. I feel very distant from my creative writing right now in terms of passion. Everything I’m feeling passionate about right now is located in other territories.
And I’m excited about that.
Because ever since I decided that I Wasn’t A Writer Anymore, I’ve been waiting for something to actually do that wasn’t writing, to get invested in it and explore that kind of life – one where writing is not my be-all-and-end-all. I think I’m close to that now, and I definitely don’t want to force myself out of it.
And in the meantime, I do feel something slowly developing in the back of my mind, some kind of story that I like. I don’t want to look at it too closely, in case I jinx it or whatever. I do get pretty superstitious about this stuff. But more importantly, I’d rather look closely at other things I’m doing right now.
In the end, I think even if I do end up taking that hiatus from writing that I was toying with around the end of last year – I think it was the end of last year; I still can’t believe we’re halfway through this one already – it will only make my writing better when I eventually do come back to it.
So I don’t know if I’m doing Camp Nano July. It’s pretty soon, and I’ve got a whole ton of other stuff on my plate that I want to dig into. I do secretly hope that this strange subconscious maybe-a-story idea blossoms into full realisation just in time for Nano, but mostly just because that would be a cool story in itself. Realistically speaking, I’m much more interested in finding out what I can get out of things that aren’t writing. Because I think it’s working out.
I’ll let you know how it goes, but if you don’t hear from me on this blog for a while, just assume it’s because it’s going well.