Holy crap I wrote something that wasn’t my thesis today.
I also wrote a LOT of thesis today. The deadlines are getting tighter, and my brain is not prepared. But I aim to get prepared, and it’s probably going to be stressful as hell and I’ll run myself into the ground trying to cope and it will be the worst thing I’ve ever experienced, and then as soon as it’s over I’ll conveniently forget all the trauma I went through just to finish by the deadline.
Why the hell did I think an MA was a good idea?
But anyway, during my “nap” between writing at 1am and getting back to writing at 8am I had a weird dream about an indie arthouse film, and as soon as I woke up, Michael Cera appeared in it, my post-dream haze carrying my thoughts through to a little scene that was more or less scripted-out. And that scene is what I just wrote. No, it did not turn out the way I wanted it to, but that happens when you try to write something that was only ever vaguely planned-out to begin with and only do one pass. I might come back to it later on and revise it into shape, or I might not. But Michael Cera is in it, and I like the idea of trying to write appropriate dialogue for Michael Cera, so that could be fun.
It’s also good to have the feeling of writing because I have an idea that I want to play with again. I have not had that feeling for a long time. My shitty YA werewolf thing – which I think I will be finishing after all, and perhaps writing the sequel to for Camp Nanowrimo – was different, because it wasn’t so much an idea or a scene as a concept for an entire writing process, which just so happened to stem from how obsessed I was with werewolves at the time. And that was really fun as well. But having little ideas, isolated concepts, scenes, fragments of dialogue that might lead to something else but equally might go absolutely nowhere – that’s the kind of stuff I haven’t let myself work with for a very long time, and it’s been too long. I need to get started again, to get re-acquainted with my ideas and my creativity as it comes to me. I need to get used to using my creative energy when it comes to me, instead of trying to put it off until the opportune moment arises, because it never really does. There’s always something getting in the way, some other obligation or thing I could be doing instead, and that never ends and will never end. I just have to get used to making time to do my creative stuff, and eventually it will turn into a habit that I don’t have to turn on. I have to take affirmative action against the habit of slumping and procrastinating that I have built up over the years, and the great thing about it is that the only way to do it is to get shit done. Which is perfect specifically because the entire reason I want to break these habits in the first place is to get said shit done. The means are the ends. Win-win.
In the meantime, I need to sleep and then go see my supervisor and then come back home and do more of this. Making time for this stuff, so that I don’t feel like I’m missing out, so that I don’t have so much reason to procrastinate on doing other things that I am actually obligated to do.
Why can’t life just be simple?