Great expectations

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about pressure. I’ve thought about how I lack enough pressure, the tension that winds me up and make me so restless and frustrated that I have to do something, anything, to relieve it. I’ve thought about how I’m knotted in it, unable to untangle myself, to breathe, to recover before pushing on, and so instead I stop where I am and just dangle, waiting for the anxiety to pass even as I know the pressure – of obligation, or promises made with good intentions – still waits for me to meet it. Often I feel that both are happening at the same time; I am stifled by pressure while being simultaneously unable to find the “sweet spot” that will turn that pressure into creative tension I can use to drive myself forward.

I’m not really sure what to do about this. But it feels like there’s an answer in here somewhere.

In the meantime I bought six young adult novel-to-movie adaptations: Beautiful CreaturesCity of BonesVampire AcademyEnder’s GameThe Giver, and The Maze Runner, as well as the Twilight box set. And, seriously, this is all for academic purposes. Fuck knows I would not be buying any amount of Twilight anything if it wasn’t. (I did go halves with Mum on the box set though, as she lost half of her Twilight DVDs.) I’m so looking forward to the next twelve months.

Which will also hopefully include finishing Tallulah. My strategy of planning it in my head rather than on paper is absolutely foolproof and watertight, except for the part where I actually get around to doing it, and that’s the “lacking creative tension” rut I’m currently in. Hasn’t helped that I’ve started enjoying World of Warcraft again recently, right the hell out of nowhere – or perhaps precisely because I’m so close to a breakthrough with Tallulah and my writing habits in general, and my brain is well-trained to sabotage my every happiness. One of the two.

The other thing is that I’m getting excited about all my other stories; I was excited before while I was writing my werewolf thing, and to be honest that excitement never actually went away, it’s just that my focus was elsewhere. But I’m quite eager to write a bunch of chapters 1-3 of my various novels and just see what it looks like, see if there’s one I’m particularly fond of and that wants to be written more than the others. So maybe that’s what I’ll do: make a list of all the projects I’m enthusiastic about and write the first three chapters, planning them out and doing all of this weird new-age holistic writing stuff I’m apparently now really into, where I eschew such earthly things as actual writing implements and basic self-discipline to better connect with the cosmic Prose Eternal and write about how good it feels to think about writing on this blog about – supposedly – actually writing.

Or I could, y’know, do some actual writing.

But I do need to pick a plot of time and use it, and it has to be early in the day, like first thing in the morning kind of thing, and early in the morning. My plan to make myself wake up really early has suffered since coming back from Malaysia, and part of that is because it’s currently winter over here and mornings are pretty fucking harsh, but the alternative is to do what I’ve been doing up to this point, which results in zero writing actually getting done, and that’s not acceptable. Writing up to chapter 3 of Tallulah over the next couple of weeks sounds like something I could get good mileage out of. The other issue is that Tallulah is still very messy in my head, tangled with all the “what if” ideas I dumped into it in an attempt to make it look like a “real story”, and in the meantime all of these other younger, sleeker, more focused stories are frolicking around, enticing me to join them in their Bacchic revelry (in a completely sober and platonic way), and it’s because I can actually see where they’d go as stories, whereas with Tallulah I’m still struggling to de-tangle it in my mind so that I can give it a fair second chance at being something great. And I do want it to be something great. It deserves that.

All right. Tension. This is going to be hard to plan while still waiting for my supervisor to be assigned to me – another reason why WOW is so recently engaging for me – but I can still designate myself to waking up ever-earlier in the mornings until I hit, I dunno, 9am or something. Once I’m happy with that I can start dedicating those mornings to writing. And in the meantime I can make a list of the projects I’m going to write up to chapter 3 of, and plan out those 3 chapters.

This could be a lot of fun.

And it will definitely be a lot of work, but I need to do it. I think that’s where the tension is going to come from; like all motivation, most of the time it doesn’t come to you – you have to go to it. Better get on that.

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