I’ve been working on a blog post for two days, not including the week or so I spent on it back in April/May. It regards the issue of authenticity in writing characters – I talked about the moral and ethical side of things in this post, and from there I started thinking about the technical side of things, as well as the conceptual side, issues of subjectivity and objectivity, and the relationship between what’s authentic and what’s real.
However, it is currently 4:01 a.m. and, after two days, this post is still not ready to go. It’s definitely too long, but I have a lot to say. A lot of it, I realised, was pretty offensive, so part of why this is taking so long is because it’s taking me a long time to work through the process of checking my privilege, as it were. The rest of it is my general lack of planning, or rather my inability to stick to a plan. I just follow whatever train of thought pulls in to the station, and while that certainly takes me places, it’s harder to find my way back.
Also I haven’t even finished reading chapter 2 of Tallulah, which I have like five days left to do before uni starts, and I discover once and for all whether I’m cut out for Honours – at least Honours in arts. I’m not sure if I want to be. I kind of feel like if it wasn’t for the tight time-frame I might have decided to go back to psych and get into counseling, but it’s way too late for that now. I just think that if I need something to fall back on if writing doesn’t work out – and let’s be real, up ’til now I still have never been paid to write, unless you count my ever-growing student loan – then I want to be able to do something that I find meaningful, and helping people with problems that there’s still a considerable cultural stigma around even recognising as problems to begin with seems like a pretty good way to go.
So now on top of worrying that I’ll end up sabotaging myself at Honours because it’s not what I really want and leaving myself with no option but to try and deal with my lingering depression and social anxiety to find a job, not getting any work done on Tallulah and just generally having no fucking clue what to do with my life, I have this stupid goddamn authenticity post to draft.
But what else would I do? This is what I want to do. I want to write about this stuff; and I want to write my stories, and I want to make movies, and music, and teach myself to draw, and get fit, and help people. If I want to do all of that, then I have to actually do it. So, may as well do it now.
And now to go to sleep, or at least bed, before I sound like any more of a broken record than I do already.