Last chance

Today is the last day I will live in my house.

We’re Moving tomorrow. I still don’t know which room I’ve got in the new place because Dad and I both want the same one, but the point is I will not be here anymore, will not belong here anymore. According to legal papers. Ugh I have to change all my contact information don’t I …

I am wondering if I will feel like I do still belong here once we move, if one day soon I’ll have a time-stopping moment where I realise that I’m never going home again. Or maybe I’ll continue to feel, as I do now, that I need this change, and maybe even finally start to feel excited that we’re in a new space. Or both at once.

I am wondering if I will finally come up with a summary of my time spent in this house and it will hit all the resonant notes of loss and gratitude, of cathartic grief and hope, that I will find the right string of words to sum up 24 years in order to close them off and start the next however many years as though they’re somehow different, a new story of my life. As somebody whose brain runs on narrative conventions, there’s this expectation that today will be a momentous narrative moment, that all the closure and catharsis and “this is goodbye” feelings will well up and spill out from inside of me, and the episode will end, and then the sequel will fall into place in order to continue the story, nice and neat and narratively satisfying. Because today is my last chance to make it happen.

I’m kinda happy it’s not happening.

I mean it’s just much more interesting that way, isn’t it? That life is not quite that predictable. That we don’t fit into all the boxes we think we’re supposed to, that we can surprise ourselves just by being ourselves. That the moment sometimes never comes, and the only sad thing about that is not being aware that The Moment is something I only know even happens because of books, movies, TV, videogames, music. Because of stories.

We just go on. We just continue. Life is not a story. It’s not even a lot of stories. It’s life.

I’m down with that.

Though I do think some housewarming novel-revision is in order …

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