nononononononono

nonononononoI’MSCREWINGITALLUPNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

LOVE rewriting, guys. It’s such an enjoyable experience for me as a writer and totally builds on my self-confidence and belief in the idea that I know what I’m doing.

Okay. Seriously, it is going all right. I’m just extrapolating possible issues potential future readers might hypothetically have with it, judgments they could feasibly make – I’m going through the whole ‘you are your own worst critic’ thing. But if I think about it, this rewrite is actually going pretty much exactly how I want it to go.

Not entirely, but pretty close. I’m avoiding an issue and pretending that it won’t matter, but that’s what got me the first time around, so I’ve got to do better now. It is entirely possible that I’m avoiding this issue because it will force me to confront the awkwardness of the sequence of events I’ve set up for myself, and like I’ve mentioned before this particular chapter and its particular placement is something that I’m very uncertain about, but my theory is that if I do force myself to confront this, I will know for sure, one way or another, whether I need to change it. Things would certainly feel a lot smoother if I changed it. To me. And me is all I’ve got right now, and that’s going to have to be enough.

~~~

All right it’s changing it’s getting there I can do this I am competent at what I do I am not a hack I am a good writer I know how to do the stories all the stories those are things I can do

~~~

It’s all right, guys, seriously. I’ve got this.

The confrontation has taught me this: this scene feels awkward and contrived the way I had it set up, and I either need a huge amount of willing suspension of disbelief courtesy of my audience’s generosity, or I need to change something, and I’m not sure what. I have ideas, and they all work, but I’m not sure which is the best fit for the story. Gotta make some notes methinks.

I think I’ve also fallen into the trap of trying to show too much. Trying to get too clever with this whole ‘subjectivity’ thing. So this is the perfect time for me to actually take stock of what I’ve written so far, and how I’ve written it, and just keep in mind the tone I’m trying to set and only make those changes that actually fit with it. And I need to actually identify what I mean by wanting to make the prose feel more ‘subjective’.

It would be so much easier if this was a film.

No. It wouldn’t. It would be so much easier if it was a film and I was playing all the parts, and directing it, and producing it, and doing everything without having to try and translate what I want into words and just doing it.

So I’ve got to get back into using words for what they’re good for, getting comfortable with words again. That first chapter felt like it worked fine, but maybe that’s just rose-tinted glasses looking back on what was already a bit of a natural high. And also the awkwardness of this situation I’ve created is messing me up as well. I think I do have to change it. I’m not sure what, exactly, but something about it needs to be shifted.

~~~

Notes made, options laid out. I shall call it an evening and come back to it later. For now, I have some indulgence of the self kind to partake of. I need to write something really wish-fulfilling and create a private world for myself made out of the inspirations I’ve taken from other people’s ideas.

I need to write something bordering on fan fiction.

And I need to write it NOW.

 

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