Having show commitments means that something’s got to give, until next Monday. It’s not my novel, it’s not my study; it’s something far more abstract: my schedule.
My schedule is something I’m very tremulously connected to; it’s a new thing, in the grand scheme of my lifespan, and what’s even newer is that, since around this time last year, I’m now actually willing and able to stick to a schedule when I have one. I’ve enjoyed the feeling of doing that with study for the past 3 weeks; it hasn’t been quite as thorough as I would have liked, but it’s the best it’s ever been, and I feel incredibly fulfilled as a result of making and maintaining this effort. It’s something that I’ve just gotten into the swing of, and as such having to fiddle around with it this week gives me a feeling of unease.
On top of that, this week is also the week where I start working on assignments; that would have thrown me all on its own, but combined with having to just drop everything at about 5:30 every evening until next Monday (because sadly the venue we’re in doesn’t have available power outlets for my laptop) this is about as hectic as things could possibly get, in terms of my ability to get into a comfortable rhythm.
It sucks because other than anything else I’m so very much into this new momentum I’ve got going with Tallulah, and it was painful to open up a new document today eager to get started and knowing that, realistically, I just couldn’t do anything worth doing. That was down to the schedule again, because I don’t have a very good system in place for turning this revision into multiple small steps.
Which I should do. I will have much more time after this show is over, but I’ll still have assignments, and while I’ve said to myself that I’m just not going to revise during the time I’ve designated to assignment-writing (which also includes looking for resources and stuff), I know now that if I don’t keep up momentum this isn’t going to work out. I need to be writing.
These next two days in particular are going to be rough, because they are my ‘accountability days’ – Wednesday I have basically no free time because I have two 2-hour lectures back-to-back (I mean I do have an hour in the middle but that’s only barely enough to maybe get one reading done without making any notes), and then Thursday is the day where I have to prove that I’ve done all my readings and watched all my viewings, or enough of them to be able to participate in the three tutorials I have at least, and I have to have done those – well, today and yesterday. And the weekend. I didn’t use the weekend to that end; I used the weekend to start revising, and I’m okay with that because I had to get started somehow, there was no good time to do it, but I can’t afford to not do things on the weekend from now on, until the 2-week inter-semester break, where I can just do NOTHING if I really want. I won’t do nothing; I’ll probably try and do every single reading I’ve got so that I don’t have to do them later and have more free time to work on assignments and, like, revise. Because that at least sounds like it would be sweeeeeet. Probably won’t happen, because even if I do all those readings I won’t have memorised them all and will then have to read them again. But still.
It’s just going to be a rough week. I like my schedule, and I feel a bit bad that it’s got to go through this rough patch before things get really settled. Also I just feel insecure when I’m in an environment where I have lots of free time and no way to fill that time with being on my laptop. It’s something I noticed while watching Ginger and Rosa, which I think I brought up already, but the fact that it was set in the ’60s and thus cell phones had not yet been invented as the ultimate cure to (and evidence of) awkward social situations really hit home, because nowadays we have so many ways to distract ourselves from things like that, so many ways to pull back, and knowing that I’m not going to have those things readily to hand, not being able to preemptively prepare for any such occasion, does make me nervous. I guess I’m just a product of my time.
But oh well. I can go two more days without serious revision time. I’ll just make a plan instead. This first ‘bloc’ of revisions is chapters 1-5, and I think that’s probably a good way to do it, breaking it up like that, and then within each bloc having yet more micro-steps to work through in order to make the work a bit more manageable. It could also give me a good sense of the events that take place and what is being emphasised, and what might need to change.
And I like being in this show. It’s good people, and it’s a good show, and it’s been over a year since I acted in anything anyway, so it’s about time I scratched that itch. I can take a week off my schedule for that.