The Next First Step

Today was spent mostly trying to sort out as much as I could with my messy enrolment situation, and it seems that things are moving towards a satisfactory conclusion. But in terms of actual study or writing …

Well, the good news is that I got some ‘writing’ done. Planning more like. My current idea is that, since most of the changes that I want to make are more clarifications than actual changes, I need to know six things:

  1. What will be a totally new addition
  2. What will add to what already exists
  3. Where these changes need to take place
  4. How these additions and changes will affect the continuity
  5. What I can leave as it is
  6. What needs to be removed

I’m not sure if this is a weekend job or something to do in increments over the remaining few days I have available this week, which I also want to use for catching up with study – I’m not going to worry about ‘getting ahead’ with readings because as of yet I’m still not even enroled in all of my papers, and I’ve had to spend so much time mucking around trying to get that sorted out. Hopefully by next week it’ll be sorted out, but who knows. This is the first time I’ve had such a major malfunction happen during my study, and in a sense I’m quite glad it’s happening; I had a pretty smooth run the first time through. Nothing like perspective. And for some reason I still feel rather optimistic. Perhaps because I’m actually following up with it instead of just wallowing in self-pity about it. Though I guess to be fair I didn’t just wallow in self-pity when things went wrong in this kind of way before now. I can wallow and take affirmative action at the same time. I can multitask.

I like the idea of kind of leapfrogging through these chapters and tacking new stuff onto them, shifting things around – but it feels messy, and while it also feels spontaneous, mess is not what I think will help me at this point. I think a solid plan and a flexible timeframe is what’s going to work. Lots of ‘I think’s here. Making that plan is probably as far as I really want to urge myself to get this week, just so that I do have some time spent on actual academic stuff.

Speaking of which: I only got to read a few pages of a very long reading, and I just skimmed over it anyway, picking up the gist of it, trying to take the simplest reading out of a wall of academic vernacular. It kind of worked. I did feel that I was being a bit too casual about it, so I shall make a habit of taking notes while reading, just so that I have to focus a bit. I’m still trying to ‘feel honestly’ at this point, and it did feel like I was forcing the blase attitude today while reading, thinking about how I didn’t want to get so invested that I lost interest in Tallulah. With this whole study/writing balance thing, I feel that I’ve just gotta be doing what I’m doing and trust that it’ll work out, rather than worrying about what might happen as a result.

And, like, adjust if things do go south. There’s no point in being inflexible when the world – and our place within it – keeps changing.

I don’t think this is going to feel like a new beginning. I think this is the part of the drafting process where I really start to understand that this is work, not just the Muse coming down and tapping enthusiasm into you through the shoulder.

And if I’m right, and I can write my way through it, then that will be a new beginning.

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